Aries: It is time you recognize that voting power should be done by biomass, and that beetles have been getting the short end of the electoral stick.
Taurus: That anxiety you feel? Bottle it, add some champagne yeast, and after two months you can sell it at the farmers market.
Gemini: Today, all Geminis will be called on to fight in a minor street war with jazz musicians riding boars.
Cancer: An excursion into the badlands will become quite the adventure when you become embroiled in a combination train heist and treasure hunt.
Leo: Looks like you’ve got a harvest moon stuck in your cancer. That’s gonna need surgery.
Virgo: Keep your problems at arms length, spin rapidly in place and slap anything that comes close.
Libra: Consume enough bananas to give yourself radiation poisoning and subsequent banana themed superpowers.
Scorpio: Today Scorpio, a positive attitude and a halberd will be the key to everything.
Ophiuchus: Your juice cleanse will be so effective it will completely sap all microorganisms from your body and kill you slowly over the course of 45 minutes.
Sagittarius: Have you ever wondered what its like to have all your skin sandblasted off? No? Well its irrelevant, today will be uneventful.
Capricorn: Dont be intimidated by the woman in the pencil skirt making eye contact with the other people in the cafe as she crushes oranges with her bare hand.
Aquarius: If competitive insomnia were a thing, you would be banned for doping.
Pisces: Temporarily ward of existential dread by destroying a cheap dresser with a hammer.
John coming up with names for Covenant species that will be used as official military designations simply because he gets sick of his squadmates giving them nicknames like “roach things” and “hinge jaws” is strangely hilarious.
Kelly: those big spiky bastards with the huge fuck-off shields.
John: …
John: “Hunters”
Fred, when Blue Team finds out Unggoy breathe methane: fart-breathers
John, louder: Grunts
Blue team seeing stills of the San’Shyuum at a briefing.
John: So these Prophets-
Linda interrupting (deadpan): “Worm-necked walnuts.”
Listen my dudes Ancient Egypt existed for a really fuckass long time. Literally just Pharaonic civilization lasted 3,000 years. That’s not even including predynastic civilization and Roman rule. If you lump that in you’re looking at more like… 5,000 years.
Like. If you want a comparison of how long that is: THE YEAR IS CURRENTLY 2018. TWO THOUSAND. TWO-THIRDS OF ANCIENT EGYPTIAN PHARAONIC CIVILIZATION HAVE HAPPENED SINCE THE ‘BIRTH OF JESUS CHRIST’
We comparatively just entered the Third Intermediate Period. The Greeks will not take over for another 700~ years. Cleopatra will not be born until the year 2931.
It’s a really long time guys.
Anyway look. Listen. I sat my ass down and wrote out a timeline of “when shit happened if you started at 1AD” because I know backwards numbers are hard to process but here’s an abridged version.
If the first Egyptian Pharaoh came to power in 1AD then…
300: step pyramid built
450: Great Pyramid at Giza built
815: Pepi II dies and civil war breaks out
950: Egypt re-unified
1350: Middle Kingdom ends
1450: New Kingdom begins
1520: Hatshepsut is on the throne
1650: Ahkenaten switches to monotheistic religion and builds a new city
1680: Tutankhamun dies
1720: Ramesses II ‘the great’ ascends to the throne
1740: World’s first peace treaty signed 1790: Ramesses II dies leaving way too many children
1920: Egypt breaks into 2 states again
And now we get to ~~~~the future~~~~. If we started at 1AD all of this stuff hasn’t happened yet
2050: Briefly re-united as a single state
2180: Civil war 2250: Nubian kings take over
2335: Assyrian conquest
2665: Alexander the Great conquers Egypt
2930: Cleopatra VII born
2970: Cleopatra VII dies. Egypt falls to Rome. Fin.
And that’s just starting with the Pharaohs. If you wanted to start with Predynastic Egypt, you can go ahead and ADD ONE THOUSAND YEARS to all of those dates
I hate that this is still getting notes but that it’s getting notes *without the timeline addition* like c’mon, man. I had to do MATHS for this. I DID MATHS FOR YOU PEOPLE AND ALL I GOT WAS A BUNCH OF RACISTS
you idiots always complain about skyrim like ohh the dungeons suck the story suck yadda yadda thats bc ur not supposed to DO any of that dumb shit! ur supposed to roam naked and free and sneak into houses to make soup! it’s a soup game!
Time's Vengeance 