normal-horoscopes:

Aries: The stars can’t remember where they put your horoscope. I am looking, but perhaps you will get two tomorrow?

Taurus: Learn to dance. It will come in handy.

Gemini: The blood of English kings cakes your family tree.

Cancer: The coyote that stalks the freezer section at the supermarket is an ill omen, consider a trip to trader Joe’s.

Leo: The can of paint in your bathroom has become a part of the scenery. Strange how forgetfullness can imbed itself in our lives.

Virgo: It’s time to replace your toothbrush, stars said so.

Libra: Revenge is a flavourful, yet fleeting, spice. Turmeric is an acceptable substitution.

Scorpio: We all have an evil nature inside of us. Tax fraud is tax fraud though.

Sagittarius: Worry does not speak any language that you are used to, worry speaks tagolag.

Capricorn: Retain your air of mystery. Vanish into the night with nary a trace. Leave them wondering.

Aquarius: It all seems so simple in books dosent it?

Pisces: The angel misses you. Leave some snacks out.