Aries: It is time you recognize that voting power should be done by biomass, and that beetles have been getting the short end of the electoral stick.
Taurus: That anxiety you feel? Bottle it, add some champagne yeast, and after two months you can sell it at the farmers market.
Gemini: Today, all Geminis will be called on to fight in a minor street war with jazz musicians riding boars.
Cancer: An excursion into the badlands will become quite the adventure when you become embroiled in a combination train heist and treasure hunt.
Leo: Looks like you’ve got a harvest moon stuck in your cancer. That’s gonna need surgery.
Virgo: Keep your problems at arms length, spin rapidly in place and slap anything that comes close.
Libra: Consume enough bananas to give yourself radiation poisoning and subsequent banana themed superpowers.
Scorpio: Today Scorpio, a positive attitude and a halberd will be the key to everything.
Ophiuchus: Your juice cleanse will be so effective it will completely sap all microorganisms from your body and kill you slowly over the course of 45 minutes.
Sagittarius: Have you ever wondered what its like to have all your skin sandblasted off? No? Well its irrelevant, today will be uneventful.
Capricorn: Dont be intimidated by the woman in the pencil skirt making eye contact with the other people in the cafe as she crushes oranges with her bare hand.
Aquarius: If competitive insomnia were a thing, you would be banned for doping.
Pisces: Temporarily ward of existential dread by destroying a cheap dresser with a hammer.
Normal Horoscope:
Published
Time's Vengeance 